IrenicEmbers

Golden Gardens Park - Seattle, WA (9/07)

Posted by IrenicEmbers at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Nick's asleep, snoring asleep, I see him roughly for 2 of his waking hours a day these days. He works hard, he fired someone today, someone that told him if he doesn't learn to take it easy, he'll die soon. Maybe that's why he fired him.

I however, cannot sleep. You see this fucking Vicodin is making me have some really shitty dreams, and I've had shitty dreams from other drugs... Nyquil being my favourite. But these are fucking nightmares you see. The kind that had me screaming in my sleep so much that I woke up screaming at 2am last evening. The kind wherein the screaming came from picking one two many tapeworm slug like creatures out of my skin, gross things that crawled inside me and mutated into these enormous feeding creatures eating me from the inside out. Only to have a small bit peek through the skin, that when I pick at it to come out, this enormous fucking creature comes out of me.

I fucking hate drugs.

I don't know if it's the pills, the pain, the constant urge to puke, the nausea from being in a job that I'm progressively hating, that my grandmother's slowing dying each day, the throbbing in my front teeth that even though the stupid dentish said will go away, somehow I know, I fucking know that it won't. As much as I know slugs are crawling around inside me.

I lay awake, twisting and turning, afraid. I broke down crying tonight when Nick finally came home, huge sobs that just opened up the wounds again. I lay there, thinking of creative things, images in my head that I wish, I WISH that I could pick up a paper and pad and draw, paint ... or even write. I have a thousand beginnings and then nothing after. I've always wanted to be creative.

But, I'm not.

One of the things that plague me to this day, in elementary school, something that an art teacher thought I drew was posted on the school's main bulletin board. Front and center. A butterfly, pointillism style. It was on 8'x11', printing paper. She thought that I did it, that I laboured for hours, putting each tiny dot to paper. It was the early 90s, or late 80s, can't remember what year, but it was early/late enough for me to have a computer, an Apple, back then Macintosh... that I used some graphics program and took their butterfly and printed it out. She didn't know. I'm not sure how she didn't know. That fucking butterfly was tacked to that bulletin board for about a month when it was replaced with the other theme for another month. I walked by it maybe 4 times.

I still feel fucking guilty.

There was thing that I actually did draw though, this was maybe junior high school... very Vermeer, I loved the Dutch you see. A vase, bursting with flowers. Not sure how I did it, but it looked kinda like this:

It was pretty damn cool. I'm sure it exists somewhere. I drew it with Craypas. I still remember what those smell like.

I need some sleep. I feel empty. Haven't really eaten anything for about two days.

Posted by IrenicEmbers at 11:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, I'm not sure if it's the ridiculous amount of painkillers I've got flowing through my veins, but this is how insane I've become. I can't sleep, so watching the evening news, browsing myface... and I come across a comment on my friend's boyfriend's page that, were I thinking logically, I would have noticed as spam. But in my addled brain, I saw the message (hey, my friend thinks you're cute, contact her at ..eat my snatch at snatch dot com) .... and I'm like, "whore, I'll fuck you up... you go near him."

Yeah.

I'm protective like that, even over someone I only refer to as butterball.

Anyway, I tried the no painkillers route to be able to go to work... oh good lord I was ready to puke, shit, cry and drive the car into a wall at the end of the day. Went to the dentish for another refill. Salvation could not have arrived any sooner.

And yes, I keep referring to the oral surgeon as a "dentish"... wanna make something of it?

In the meantime, a picture from New Orleans in September:

Posted by IrenicEmbers at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have this weird habit, that when I like something, I leave it for last. It never fails, be it that piece of chicken that was really good, or that joke amongst 100, I wait and do everything else until I can get to that last bit.

Just wanted to share.

The Vicodin's working I suppose, my mouth feels a wreck, still throbbing in bits and my front teeth are feeling weird. I imagined that the dentist/oral surgeon was using it as a jumping board between shoving his fist all up in my grill and chatting with the nurses. I don't know what I'm saying.

Anyway, I just thought it was odd that I've always saved the best for last.

Posted by IrenicEmbers at 08:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Oral surgery in the morning, 6:45 to be exact ... four wisdom teeth to be extracted, one of which has a nerve wrapped around the base of the root. Joyous.

I already told Nick that I wish to be cremated.

Posted by IrenicEmbers at 07:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's not been a fun weekend; I'm embarrassed to mention what happened. Let's go to the evidence.

Posted by IrenicEmbers at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)